Learning How to Smile
by Silent Melancholia
Summary: Not even the most carefully made mask can hold in true emotions forever. One-sided TxS, implied ExT.


Learning How to Smile

By SM

* * *

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Every day, it's as if I play a part

And now I see 

That if I wear a mask

I can fool the world

But I can not fool my heart

* * *

Pain.

That was the only way Tomoyo could describe what was currently twisting inside her. Horrible, wrenching pain.

She had expected it to come, as it always did, but nothing could have prepared her for how much harder it would be to endure this time. It came relentlessly, flooding her with wave upon wave of the sorrowful sensation she knew all too well. With each throbbing burst it seemed to burn even more, squeezing her heart to the point where she felt she would no longer be able to breathe. Her struggling joy at seeing her love content was soon easily washed away, replaced only with a hollow emptiness that filled her.

It was agony, it was torture, it was…

It was the day of Sakura and Syaoran's wedding. 

Everything had gone smoothly. The decorations, the food, the music, the flowers, the dresses, _everything_ had been carefully and well chose. The day had been perfect, the sun shining brilliantly as if it too approved. As for the ceremony itself, it had been absolutely beautiful. Not that anyone had expected anything else, of course. 

Sakura had been stunning, Syaoran, sinfully gorgeous. Their heartwarming vows had left very little dry eyes throughout the guests, Tomoyo among the exceptions. Together in their wedding attire they had made a dazzling pair, all but oozing of the love they held for each other. 

It had taken all her energy to keep the tormentingly false smile plastered on her face.

She wrung her hands together, trying to concentrate on something other than the bubbling pang inside her chest. She sat alone, her only company a small table decorated with beautiful white satin covers and fancy silverware. It was easy to see that everyone was happy but her. All around her people were enjoying themselves immensely, the sound of their voices and laughter floating through the room. If she listened closely, every once and awhile she could make out the low hum of music that lay underneath their chatter, but the romantic, cheery beat only dampened her spirits further.

She had never wanted to be somewhere else as much as she did right now.

"Am I interrupting you?"

Tomoyo's head shot up at the familiar voice in surprise, her trail of thoughts broken.

Eriol Hiiragizawa stood in front of her, looking keenly handsome in a dark tuxedo that her fashion-trained eye could instantly distinguish as expensive and recently bought. He gave her a friendly, apologetic smile. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to startle you."

Tomoyo quickly returned his smile, stretching it so wide her face hurt. She chided herself for the careless mistake, one she would have never made if he hadn't caught her off guard. Hoping he hadn't noticed, she calmed herself and lowered the brightness a notch. "Oh, think nothing of it, it's perfectly alright. I just wasn't aware you were standing there."

And hadn't been aware, Eriol thought somberly, that he had been standing there long enough to see the tear slip silently down her cheek.

She gave him a quick and subtle inspection, a method she always used when she wanted to know what kind of threat she was up against. The man standing patiently in front of her didn't seem to be very threatening. In fact he looked rather refined and charming. Eriol had grown much taller, changing from a skinny boy to a well-toned and attractive young man. Subdued blue locks fell neatly against his creamy white skin, creating an even more eye-catching contrast than it had been when they were younger. His face had weathered slightly with age, though not completely losing its boyish charm, and still looked just as wise as ever. On the bridge of his nose he still wore a pair of dark rimmed glasses that had always made him appear even more akin to his other half, Fujitaka Kinomoto.

Having finished her look over with satisfaction that he wouldn't be very hard to deal with, she put herself to work. Any trace of nervousness disappeared into a cool, elegant mask as she straightened her back and steadied her hands. Tomoyo wasn't sure how long he had been there or what he had seen, and it was certainly too late to change it, but now that she was prepared, she would be certain to only show him the image she wanted projected. 

She was in control. 

After another pause, she spoke again, the warmth in her voice not completely forced. "No, you're not interrupting me at all. It's a pleasure to see you again, Hiiragizawa-kun."

He bowed, always the gentleman. "The pleasure is all mine."

"How is everything back in England? It's been much too long since our last encounter."

"That is has. We have all been doing quite well. Nakuru and Spinel send all their love, they were so disappointed that they couldn't make it."

"We all wished they could have."

"So did they." He smiled easily, but Tomoyo thought she could see something behind the flash of teeth. A purpose. "Anyway, what about you?"

She held her breath. "Pardon?"

"How have you been?"

"Fine. Everything is great," Tomoyo answered, hoping he hadn't caught how stiff she has sounded. Wanting to move him along without being too obvious she tried to make her voice more cordial. "Are you looking for the happy couple?"

"Actually you are the person I was looking for. And now that I've found you, I want to congratulate you on the wedding. No one else could have done such a wonderful job in putting everything together. It was quite lovely." 

"Thank you," she replied dutifully, her heart aching at the memory of how no matter how well she had decorated it, the loveliest thing in the room had, without question, been Sakura.

If Eriol noticed how dull her reply had sounded, he did nothing to show it. "Would you mind terribly if I join you?" At her blank look he continued, his smile now charmingly persuasive. "I can't help but notice that you're sitting by yourself and was hoping you wouldn't object to having company."

Not able to think of an excuse, she automatically accepted politely and gestured for him to take a seat.

He sat, long legs folding neatly over one another. "I've been told the food is excellent, did you prepare it yourself?"

"I've had a hand in a few things here and there, but it was mostly made by some excellent cooks I pulled a few favors from. Nothing but the best for Sakura."

"Naturally," he agreed, his voice holding the same impassive tone that had always kept her guessing to what he was hiding behind the words. "So," he began, shifting the conversation back to the topic she had been trying to avoid. "You said you were doing well, right?"

Surprised by the question, her barriers rose slightly. "Why, yes, I've been doing quite well. Everything is going great."

"I'm sure," was Eriol's only reply, not bothering to cover his skepticism.

Her mouth sharpened. "And what exactly do you mean by that?"

He ignored her question, his attention fixed raptly upon her. "You say you're well, but are you _happy_, Daidouji-san?"

"Of course I am," she answered, her chin sticking out defensively.

"Ah, and to think I used to believe you were an honest person." 

"What ever do you mean?" Tomoyo asked, keeping her voice light and tilting her head quizzically as he studied her with his unblinking stare. Knowing he would need more convincing she slid a puzzled look onto her face that she had long ago perfected. With just the right amount of thoughtful confusion, it had never failed to work before. Anyone in her presence was always easily fooled into believing it was genuine.

Unfortunately for her, Eriol had never been just anyone.

The once powerful magician took an idle sip of champagne from his glass, deliberately stretching out his answer to unnerve her. Seeing this, she pushed back her long violet curls in a defiant gesture, meeting his amused look with one of her own. With a sweet smile she leaned across the table, almost as if challenging him. "Lacking an answer, Hiiragizawa-kun?"

He gave her a lazy smile in return, not moving from where he sat. "Have you ever known me to not have an answer?"

"There's always a first time for everything."

"Yes." The intensity of Eriol's gaze was almost eerie as it lingered over her face, his words on the edge of something. "There certainly is."

Slightly unsettled she eased herself back against the cushioned seat, giving herself time to think of something to say. She took a drink from her own glass, preferring the sparkling water, and without missing a beat expertly changed the subject. "Would this be a first time for you to stay in Tomoeda for longer than your usual visits, or will you be returning to England soon?" 

He contemplated the question, sounding suspiciously mysterious when he spoke. "I suppose it all depends."

She arched an eyebrow daintily. "Depends on what?"

"On how things go," he answered enigmatically, his face once again expressionless. Tomoyo didn't push the matter, it was clear that he did not intend to explain any further.

"So where are you planning to stay in the meantime?"

"Oh here and there," he answered, a twinkle forming in his eye.

A faint grin played upon her lips before she could stop it. "I'm trying to recall our childhood. Were you always this vague?"

Eriol laughed. "But of course. I liked to keep you all guessing."

"Ah, so I see you still get a kick out of knowing we're defenseless against your devious mind."

"Actually it's much more fun when someone fights back with the strength of their own mind." His gaze fixed on her again, unwavering. His eyes seemed to devour her into pools of twisting water that she knew she would drown in if she weren't careful. "It makes things a little more… interesting."

How did you defend yourself against someone who knew how to match your every move? Your every strategy? Tomoyo wanted to turn her head, wanted to pull away from his cunning probing into her mind, but found she couldn't. It alarmed her to realize she felt helpless. 

Seeing this, the older man easily directed the conversation towards safer ground. "So I hear you're making a name for yourself in designing clothing?"

"Yes. I'm hoping to open up other branches of our company in other cities in the future. I've also been playing around with the idea of expanding our horizon and designing other things, such as furniture. What do you think?"

Without realizing it, her face had lit up with fondness for her work. Eriol had enjoyed seeing the momentary show of girlish pleasure and was saddened when it too disappeared behind her mask. "I think it's a wonderful idea. With your talent, and your work already growing popular, I have no doubt that you will succeed."

She beamed at him but he could see it was controlled, done only as she thought it was expected. Eriol resisted the urge to reach over and shake her, knowing it would have a better result if he were to do so figuratively instead.

Her attention had wandered over to where the newlyweds were dancing, their laughter floating through the room. Seeing the opportunity, Eriol couldn't resist taking it, leaning back casually. "Sakura and Syaoran are quite the couple, wouldn't you agree?"

Tomoyo snapped back to face him, realizing he was still watching her. "Yes," she choked, her throat suddenly dry. "Quite the couple indeed."

In spite of how well she had tried to cover it, he hadn't missed the hitch in her reply. Of course, it was rare that he ever did. "They fit so well together. I can't remember ever seeing either of them this happy before."

It was true. Tomoyo had never made Sakura as happy as she was now, lost in her husband's eyes. The thought stung, leaving her mind reeling to repair itself. Unable to think of something to say she gave a muttered sound of agreement, hoping he wouldn't pursue the topic any further.

The momentary look of hurt that had flashed in her eyes both worried and delighted him. It was obvious to him that she was more unraveled than usual, allowing glimpses of emotions that she was usually so deliberate to forbid from being seen. He didn't like to cause her more pain, but he was always glad to see that she had not made herself completely numb to feeling. To see that she was still more than the mask she wore. Too often people lost who they were, becoming empty inside. He was determined to make sure she didn't. Tomoyo was too great of a person to lose.

Her back rigid, Tomoyo desperately tried to relax. There was no where to escape without being rude or acting unusual, but she was having trouble keeping herself in-check. All day the turmoil inside her had been raging, trying to claw its way out. She had never had such trouble keeping it under control before.

Feeling the timing was working well, Eriol stood up. "My apologies, but I'm afraid I have to cut our visit short." He smiled and gave a small bow. "So if you will excuse me, I must be on my way now."

Tomoyo rose too, nearly sighing in relief as the panicked flutters in her stomach began to fade. "At least we had a chance to talk, however brief the visit." She gave him a smile, "Don't be a stranger. We love hearing from you."

"Don't worry," the twinkle was in his eye again, "I plan to keep in close touch."

She felt her suspicions rise again but didn't act on them. "Goodbye."

"Farewell." Eriol turned to leave then stopped for a moment and smoothly focused one of his sly, knowing smiles upon her. "Oh before I go, may I suggest something, Daidouji-san?"

"Yes, of course," she answered politely, still smiling as well.

"If you really want me to be fooled, you'll have to work on your eyes."

Tendrils of surprise nearly became visible in her delicate features. She blinked and stared at him, having almost lost her carefully formed expression. "Pardon?"

He gently traced a pale finger across her jaw-line, satisfied when he saw her lose more of her composure. "Your eyes, my dear, can never quite hide the sorrow that the rest of your face so effortlessly disguises." He stepped away again. "Like they say, eyes are like windows to a person's soul. Not even the best facade can block complete entrance."

Tomoyo struggled momentarily to keep her face blank. It had always amazed her how he could read her so well, but at this moment she only felt completely frustrated. Despite how masterfully she pretended, despite every curve she threw at him, despite every layer of protective wall she built around herself, he always seemed to find a way to break through. She didn't need to be as evident as an open book; it was like he could read every page through her cover regardless of the thickness she added to it.

"Lacking an answer, Daidouji-san?" There was no mistaking the faint laughter in his voice as he mocked her earlier words. She quickly stopped the flush from reaching her cheeks, her friendly tone dropping slightly. 

"Well if it is true that eyes are windows to a person's soul, then does that mean that you do not have a soul, Hiiragizawa-kun? Your own eyes are always so flawlessly masked."

"Always the sharp wit and keen observation. I'm glad you haven't lost your touch." He flashed her his infuriating trademark grin, one that taunted of endless knowledge. "But I assure you that I do have a soul." Having said that, Eriol gently took a hold of one of her arms and pressed his lips against the back of her slender hand. "I will be looking forward to our next meeting. Until then I bid you goodbye."

Losing his magic certainly hadn't made him lose his touch, Tomoyo noted with a mix of amusement and exasperation as she watched him disappear into the crowd with a flourish. He had only grown to be even more perceptive and ingenious, perhaps to compensate for the decline of his powers.

"Tomoyo-chan, there you are! I've been looking all over for you!"

She turned abruptly, startled for the second time today. She uttered a not so ladylike curse under her breath. If she hadn't let her mind drift off earlier, maybe she would have focused on paying more attention to her surroundings. Because she hadn't, she had been unusually disorganized of her feigned personality and everyone kept catching her when she wasn't ready. 

Tomoyo cleared her throat, trying to ignore the mixture of pleasure and pain that came at seeing her. "Sakura."

Her best friend was the perfect picture of a blushing bride. All smiles, her lively emerald eyes danced with happiness and excitement. She looked breathtaking in the gown that Tomoyo had specially made to enhance her already stunning appearance. It was a pale green, silkily cascading to her feet in an image of a princess you could only see in dreams or movies. The color nicely accented her eyes, her skin tone, and the wisps of her soft chestnut hair that had escaped from the elegant twist it had been confined to. Little make-up had been applied to her face, as she had a naturally even complexion and accessories such as blush were unnecessary, her cheeks already aglow with love.

She was so beautiful.

And she was forever taken.

"I'm sorry I didn't get to speak to you when the reception first started," Sakura explained breathlessly, "but when I did get a chance you were nowhere to be found!"

"I apologize Sakura-chan. I wanted to let you and Syaoran enjoy your special day without me being in the way."

"Huh? You are never in the way!" she protested, confused as to why Tomoyo would say something like that. "You mean so much to me! To us," she corrected, sighing dreamily at the thought of her and Syaoran now as one.

"You mean so much to me too." _More than you will ever know. _Tomoyo swallowed that thought away, her throat hurting from the effort."I was so thrilled to be your Maid of Honor, to see you get married. You and Syaoran-kun will be forever happy, I just know it."

Sakura beamed, nearly blinding her with its radiance and pulled her into an enthusiastic hug. "Oh Tomoyo this is the most wonderful day of my life and I'm so glad everyone dear to me is here to share it!"

Her smile was pained and pathetic compared to the brightness on Sakura's face, she was grateful the bubbling girl couldn't see it. "And I also know that even those who couldn't make it are watching you right now, feeling so proud of you."

She knew Tomoyo was talking about her mother, and her eyes filled with happy tears. "Thank you. Oh thank you for everything! Please, if you won't let us pay you for the whole wedding then at least let us pay you for the decorating or the dresses or something!"

"Oh no, I refuse to let you pay me a cent! I'm more than happy to do anything for you, Sakura-chan."

"I'd do anything for you too!" 

A sudden voice interrupted them. "And what about me?" 

They turned towards the playful demand to see Syaoran standing behind them, a large grin on his handsome face. _Damn him, _Tomoyo thought and nearly winced at her reaction to the intrusion. She knew it wasn't fair to be angry with him for having the one thing she never could and Syaoran was a dear friend, but she couldn't help but feel slight annoyance at his presence. She rarely had a chance to be with Sakura alone anymore, he was always interrupting.

Sakura flushed with pleasure and threw her arms around him. "Don't worry Syaoran. I'll do everything for you for the rest of our lives!"

His wolfishly handsome face lit up further with the trace of the blush that still always appeared at Sakura's touch or words, no matter how much older he became. "I still can't believe how lucky my fate was to have met you." She melted, thinking he was silly to ever think he wasn't good with words. Syaoran placed his hands affectionately around her waist. "Have I told you how much I love you?"

"Only about every five minutes," she giggled, placing a wet, affectionate kiss on the tip of his nose.

Tomoyo's stomach lurched, the numbing pain hitting her again as they continued cooing and embracing like couples usually did, soon forgetting she was even there. Though she thought it wouldn't have been possible, her heart twisted even more than it had when the two had been joined in marriage only an hour ago. Shaken by the strong need to get out of there, she tried to back away unnoticed. The attempt failed when Sakura, still wrapped up with Syaoran, turned to her, her plans of an easy escape going down the drain.

"Tomoyo? Are you okay?" Her voice was as sweet and pure as honey, swallowing her with the sound. 

She faltered. "I…"

Sakura reached out in concern. "You look a little pale."

Tomoyo backed away, knowing that if she felt her angelic touch one more time she would break completely. "I have to go now, I'm sorry." With that she turned uncertainly and took off in a brisk walk, trying to make as little of a scene as possible.

"Tomoyo!" Sakura cried after her friend's retreating figure, hoping to stop her. "Wait! Come back!"

But she was already gone.

~*-*-*~

Tomoyo made her way out the front doors of the church, pushing past concerned friends without stopping. Her dress caught on the wood, tearing away a piece of the delicate fabric, but she barely noticed. Tomoyo had never felt so foolish in her life. Why had she run away like that? Why hadn't she been able to control her emotions like she had been doing for years?

She knew the answer. This time had been different than any other, the mask finally cracking as she lost her cool. It was true that she had always been flooded with depression at seeing them together, but at seeing them, now as husband and wife, it had overwhelmed her. All this time she had been refusing to fully acknowledge it, but now she knew she could no longer deny that Sakura belonged to Syaoran.

It was official. 

And it had been too much for her to handle.

With a moan she forced her legs to stop. Wavering at the top of the stairs, Tomoyo scanned the surroundings frantically, hoping that somehow he had not left yet. Her eyes widened in amazed relief when she spotted him slowly making his way to his car. He was still here and still in reach, it was a miracle. 

Without a second thought she ran after him.

"Eriol!"

The dark-haired man turned around, no surprise showing in his face at seeing her. He stopped and stood there, waiting for her to reach him. She briefly wondered if somehow he had known she would come, had planned this, but the thought left her mind and she continued running to him, taking three steps at a time.

Eyes full of tender compassion, Eriol said nothing until she had closed the distance between them. Tomoyo paused in front of him and stared wordlessly. The pale delicateness of her face made her soft, enchanting appearance even more enthralling. From under dampened lashes, her gorgeous doe eyes looked up at him, so lost and wounded. 

It broke his heart.

"I… I just couldn't stay there anymore," Tomoyo began, her hands jerking in wild motions as she tried to illustrate why she had run after him. "It was so hard seeing them together and I just…" she trailed off, gasping in shaky breaths, unable to continue.

Eriol silently took her into his arms, not needing an explanation. "I know. It's okay, I know. Just let it all out. I know what you're going through."

She uttered a cry of strangled relief. _He knew._ She didn't even have to speak a single word. _He already knew._ Grateful, she buried her face into his chest and allowed the comfort he offered, her petite figure trembling with the sorrow she had kept to herself for years.

He was the only one who understood her.

After a few minutes she became aware of what had just happened, realizing that she was no longer wearing her careful mask. Somewhere in between seeing him at the bottom of the stairs and the moment they had come in contact, she had let her emotions run free, now displayed for the world to see. Normally she would have been horrified, but as she listened to the calming beat of his heart against her temple, it was no longer such a pressing matter. She was so tired of running, so tired of pretending. She had been pretending to be someone else for such a long time that she was no longer sure of her identity, of what was real. It felt so good to take a rest, to not have to hide, to leave the prison she had locked herself within. To be herself. She was almost giddy at the thought.

She was finally free.

He studied her with the same watchful look he had done so with earlier "Daidouj—"

"Why are we still so formal with each other after all these years?" she asked, quietly cutting him off. "Please, call me Tomoyo?"

Eriol smiled, "Tomoyo, it is then."

She tried to smile back but it had been so long since she had truly smiled that she found she had forgotten how. Tomoyo tightened her grip on him. "It's such a strange feeling to be myself again, kind of overwhelming actually. I'm not the least bit prepared to handle this!"

"Just try to relax. Let yourself release everything you've been holding inside. You don't always have to be prepared for everything, just take one day at a time."

"But—"

"No more masks and no more acting," he added firmly.

She gave a weary sigh that traveled throughout her entire body. "I don't think I can…"

"Yes you can. It will be okay."

"No." She slowly raised her head to face him, her violet eyes shining with tears that threatened to fall. "It won't be okay. I am a horrible person."

He lifted a hand to stroke her hair, his gentle touch soothing her. "You are not a horrible person, you are one of the most wonderful people I know. 

"Then why do I feel this way? The one I love is happy, I should be happy for her!"

"Being happy for her doesn't mean that you can't feel sad for yourself, Tomoyo. It doesn't make you terrible or selfish." He paused for effect, letting his words sink in. "It makes you human."

She was silent for a moment before she gave an unexpected growl of frustration. "How do you do that?"

He blinked. "Do what?"

"Always know the right thing to say. I hate it."

Eriol chuckled. "Magic, I guess."

"You gave away most of your magic," she reminded him.

"Well then perhaps I just enjoy ruffling your calm exterior."

She gave him a half pout. "I hate that too."

"And that, my dear, is exactly why I love it."

The corners of Tomoyo's mouth lifted, bringing back some of the old sparkle he had missed seeing in her eyes. Eriol studied her carefully, looking for signs to indicate that it was false, but saw she wasn't pretending. A victorious grin spread across his own face, followed by a surge of pleasure. She had finally expressed something that had been honestly felt.

Eriol knew she had been pretending for years, allowing her sorrow to live only inside her mind and heart where it had, with no doubt, viciously torn her apart. And he knew that it would be a long and hard road to recovery, one where she would have to fight a constant battle. However, as he held her in his arms, he was no longer worried. He was confident Tomoyo was strong enough to get through it, confident that she would win.

After all, she had already taken the first step. 

She had learned how to smile.

~*-*-*~

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Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, just the idea for this fanfic.

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Author's Notes: This was an idea playing around in my head for awhile that I finally decided to pull my lazy self into action and write. It was originally a one-shot with no sequel planned but I'm still open to the notion. The continuation of the development of Tomoyo and Eriol's relationship is appealing to me at the moment.

Hey and maybe now that this is done, perhaps I can get back to work on 'And So We Meet Again' *sweatdrops*

~*-*-*~


End file.
